Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
You Might Also Like
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Not messing around
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?