[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
President The Rock Obama
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.