I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind