Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
23. the denim jacket
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again