My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
The Birdles
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.