I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor