me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.