When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never