I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists