NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.