My circle of trust is a meatball
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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off