I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.