I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that