Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
When someone trying to leave me
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that