My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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guys I’m going home
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦