[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
We’ve come full circle
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.