The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
You Might Also Like
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Time for evil
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”