Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
You Might Also Like
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Cheers Twitter.
But wait…
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.