My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
You Might Also Like
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges