I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest