me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My love language is hissing.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.