I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*