waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Haha good job!!
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.