“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.