No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy