wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Wednesday
Women are like ripe peaches, they don鈥檛 keep as well in the refrigerator after they鈥檝e been cut in half.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
It鈥檚 actually Dr. whatever
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I am crying
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
welcome to the motel california
it鈥檚 the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor鈥檚 voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
There is no try. There is only give up.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?