I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
You Might Also Like
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.