Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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I need to get some bricks…
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary