I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You Might Also Like
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
🍛
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there