The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
💻🤡
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
how to market bottled water to dads
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker