This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
two people or more is called a problem
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
The 6 types of sex