Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
You Might Also Like
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
See..?
.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
next level snooze
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
This makes total sense…
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?