In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside