If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.