I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)