me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train