Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.