[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo