dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
What even happened today?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.