Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.