Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Succinctly put.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
There is no “we” in chocolate.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.