I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
every single time
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.