I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.