My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.