parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
BETRAYAL
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.