Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.