[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.