Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.