“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Van Gone
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?