People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no