I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
You Might Also Like
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.